Humor

Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried playdough doesn't come out of shag carpet.
Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade. . .
It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom...

"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"
"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
"If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees"
"'Wrinkled' Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
"My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse - He Couldn't Do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse"
"Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-law on a Milk Carton"
"I Want It All and I Want It Delivered"

I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid........When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, I'm very sorry we did everything we could but he pulled through.

I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness.......AFTER I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid, there are so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Dilbert's words of wisdom:

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"

12. My reality check bounced.

13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I don't suffer from stress, I'm a carrier.

15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy.

17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

"IRS Payment"

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing
with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed,

"Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be
allowed to live andwork in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a
giant grin on his face from ear to ear. "I thought
you were going to want me to pay with cash."

"IRS And Its New Form"

In order to simplify tax collections in the near future, the IRS will issue a new easier to use tax form. They call it the 1040 Xtra EZ. After your name, address, and Social Security number, it has only four lines on two pages:

1040 Xtra EZ To Do Tax Form
US Government.    Form Scru-u-R

        Page I.

1. How much money did you make this year?   $________

2. SEND IT IN.                                  $________

        Page II

1. Take out a loan for more.

2. Send it all to us.                           $________

Kids Say the darndest things!!!

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A three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."

He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."

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On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."

A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

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A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.

The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

"What are you doing?", his mother asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

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"Can people predict the future with cards?"

"My mother can."

"Really?"

"Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home."

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A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

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A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother.

She said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. ********* AMEN!***********

Presidents just get no respect!

The last four US Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well, Well, Well, I need a brain."
"Done" says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"

Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I've heard it's true" says the Wizard.
"Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence.

Bill Clinton is just standing there looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE     EMERALD CITY?"

"Is Dorothy around?"

Click here to see what the Titanic would look like now.

I don't have to explain anything to you!	Your cholesteral is way too high!
This letter from Ed McMahon says you may already be a nobel prize winner.	If you continue to harass my client we will be forced to sue you.
Meditation No-No.	This sure beats working for a living!
I'm Sorry Sir, but you don't fit any of my demographics.	I know I'm a "stand alone" PC but I really want to be a part of a larger network!